First Carolla show after the break! And no more Bonnaduce (he's not terrible, but on that show he was a big dollop of toothpaste in your fresh-squeezed orange juice)! Couldn't wait for the podcast; had to set my alarm for an injuriously early hour and stream the thing live.
Radio is small enough that it can get away w/ dubious (legally and otherwise) sponsorship. We in Portland have a commercial for what amounts to CD and DVD rental, that flat-out says to copy items and take them back. Two adult stores I can think of advertise all hours of the day. And all those CreditYes.com commercials stink of-- I don't know how else to say it-- a depressing lowness of human spirit.
But this morning I heard a commercial that blows those out of the water like fishing w/ an atom bomb. WARNING: May inflame bile duct:
My heart isn't broken; I just want it to beat faster!
I'm taking off the halo and doing this for me!
At the risk of breaking Godwin's Law (again), I'm going to compare ashleymadison.com to The Libertarian National Socialist Green Party and talk some about "fuck it" philosophy. Clearly, both groups come from a "fuck it" epiphany. I'm sure Ashley Madison (assuming that's the name of the founder) was having a conversation w/ a friend about dating sites one day and said "You know what? I'm gonna start a dating site for cheating! Yeah, cheating! Fuck it!" Likewise, one in the angry (they'd say "concerned", no doubt) group of friends who would go on to form the LNSG said, having grown weary of the constant qualifications and disclaimers needed to endorse any distinct thing the Nazi's ever did, "No, fuck it, let's just call ourselves Nazis." Hurriedly putting his hands out reassuringly, he continued. "We don't have to be dicks. We don't have to kill a bunch of people, obviously. But we already believe strongly in national identity and pre-Christian ethics, and the swastika is an Indo-European symbol, you know? It's not like Hitler has dibs on what an ancient symbol means or whatever, right? Let's just be Nazis. Fuck it. Our flag can be green instead of red or something."
And you know what? It may be a just a trick of language, but in Ashley Madison I've found an organization worse than Nazis. I'm pretty sure the Free-Market Hippie Nazis aren't secretly racist (if you were, and wanted to hide it, the swastika logo would be the first thing to go), but check out the full-on lies in the AM FAQ:
Q: Does Ashley Madison encourage infidelity?
A: No, Ashley Madison does not encourage anyone to stray. In fact, if you are having difficulty with your relationship, you should seek counseling.
However, if you still feel that you will seek a person other than your partner to fill your unmet needs, then we truly believe that our service is the best place to start.
At Ashley Madison, you can communicate with other like-minded adults who may be more sympathetic to your circumstances. You never compromise your safety, privacy or security and will never have to reveal your identity unless you choose to.
You can go at your own pace and change your mind any time you wish.
If you don't like who you're with, or think you shouldn't be with them, you should look for someone else. Gee, makes sense when they say it like that.
You know why it makes sense? Because your brain is sneaking in one of three different ways to complete that thought. Either you're fitting in "you break up with them, and then, and only then, " after "think you shouldn't be with them"; or "and you can stay with the first person while you look because you had a long conversation early on in the relationship that ended in an agreement that monogamy is a crap expectation and flings were understood to if anything strengthen your commitment to each other" after "look for someone else"; or a new sentence "And don't break up with your current partner, since you might decide your other options aren't as good, or something" at the end. Can Ashley Madison have simply forgotten one of these crucial qualifiers?
Even more, I like how they toss out a bit of non-objectionable superfluousness at the end to deflect criticism. Straight out of Sun Tzu.
Q: Doesn't a service like Ashley Madison make it Easier for people to Stray*?
A: Of course not. People don't stray because it is easy or convenient. Most stray because they are missing something in their relationship and feel they need or deserve more than their primary partner offers.
Providing a service like ours does not make someone more likely to stray any more than increasing the availability of glassware contributes to alcoholism. No report contradicts this finding. On the other hand, putting up barriers and making it difficult to stray has never discouraged infidelity; if anything, it simply makes people want to even more.
Since they don't encourage infidelity, they must have forgotten to mention how you're supposed to leave you "primary" partner. Easy mistake. Or maybe it's so obvious that my thinking it even needs to be pointed out reflects poorly on me.
Oh, and "no report contradicts this finding"? We're giving science the final say on everything, at all, now? I'm gonna be presumptuous and say my judgment is sufficient that a dating service for infidelity does in fact make infidelity easier. Or do I have to get official confirmation whenever 2 + fucking 2 comes up, too?
Ah, I've made my point. My brain needs a rape shower.
*this Question submitted by Ben Franklin, writing Under one of his many Pseudonyms. Get It?
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